My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
