I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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