if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
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one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
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It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
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