I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
