I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
