end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
