a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
