Your tits are I can't wait for
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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