If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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