1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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