She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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