This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
