She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
