What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
