i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
