tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
