Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Blood and glitter go together right?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You need Xanax blowdarts
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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