i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
