I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
