TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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