My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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