I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
