chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
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