Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
