Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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