If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
