On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Found your dick twin last night
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
