Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
