my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
