so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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