I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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