my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
