see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
