so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
honey bunches of taint.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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