after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
