when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
