My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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