Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
