I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Me too!
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
