I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
