i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
