Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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