you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
