Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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