I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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