yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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