They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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