His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
