I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
