I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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