There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
