My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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