dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
