she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
