I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
