my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
