I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
