i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
