Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
