real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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