I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
