I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
